Finally...

11:00pm 22/08/06

Hari ini akhirnya semua kegundahan hati gue tentang Erin berakhir juga. I admitted my mistakes and ready to face the consequences of my actions. I don't think that I am a bad girl specially bad employee.. not at all. I am just me... a girl without time management... always late... that's my statement to Clarissa and Adrian this afternoon. Dari pagi gue ga tenang... di taxi dan begitu sampai di kantor. Bingung nggak tau mau ngapain dulu... mau mulai dari mana kerjaan gue hari ini... akhirnya si Joy dateng untuk perbaiki computer gue dan of course mamita chot dah nyariin gue for the report on diplomatic reception. Tapi tentunya yang paling penting buat gue hari ini adalah ERIN!!!! Doi harus dapat visa tiket ke indo hari ini dan visa + TEC. Finally gue ke sammy... *i just cant go to him right away pas gue nyampe... coz i still feel bad about him not answering my calls yesterday ampe gue udah text and begging him to answer the phone* dan gue baru ngeh kalau application form untuk visa belum diisi ama erin. So gue telpon doi buat dateng lebih awal dari appointment kita. gue telpon nelmar untuk mesen tiket dan ke mas dadang untuk ambil leave form. Dengan segala macam hambatan dan lain-lain akhirnya jam 5 pm selesai juga semuanya, dan gue plong banget abis itu. Ayah madi text gue kalo seharian yesterday HPnya mati karena belom di charge and he was trying to call me in the office yesterday and tadi tapi gue ga pernah ada di tempat. I dont know how to react... yang jelas seharian ini gue error ga bisa di ajak ngomong as in ndi nyo ako makakausap ng maayos sobrang lost na ndi mo maintindihan. I send toron untuk anis ama presiden ke kantor mereka, gue beli pink bag untuk nelmar dan beli makanan untuk dinner di Queens... I am just happy maybe... too happy that i dont realized that actually I am so sad inside.

Now, here I am sitting by the pool, not thinking at all... about tomorrow, about my plans next, about my work, about myself. I am totally blank and sad. Everything's not done accordingly. But it's done anyway and I have no complain at all. Suddenly I just feel so alone. I dont know what i want anymore at this moment. I lost my self confidence and laughter. I feel that I am not that strong anymore. The me who is not afraid of anything. Me who can control any situations. Me who always happy even though i am dying inside. I cant keep my feelings to myself anymore or maybe i am just tired of hiding it al this time. I want to share but dont have the confident to to share it. I have that pride still that i can handle everything by myself. Aaaaah... ewan..

Well, the sound of the water from the pool makes me calm for awhile and the wind just kiss me with it's breezing flow. It's sweet though....